A Home For My Thoughts

2021 is personally not an easy year. It's the year where I questioned my existence as a human being. I thought being a kind person was enough.  Obviously, I felt insecure when the closest person told me how I was not special, doing less than what I could. That triggered me and I started to ask myself "What am I doing on this earth? What's my purpose as a human? What am I going to do? What do I want to do? What do I want to become? What kind of future do I want? What am I?"  That person only became the trigger, yet the problems existed inside me. So I realized completely that it was about me, not someone else. There was something wrong with me. When I knew that the problem is me, I seek help. Lucky me (or should I say, unlucky me?), I didn't have those scary nights alone. My best friend went through the same, so we're kinda helping each other. Though the trigger was different we felt the same symptoms and side effects.  Yea I had those questions for a few month...

Dua minggu gw di Jawa. Rencana awal hanya pulang karena sepupu menikah, tapi ternyata diperpanjang sampai 2 minggu gegara tiket penerbangan yang tiba-tiba 2,5 juta dan 7 juta lol.   Gw pakai kesempatan ini untuk ketemu temen-temen gw. Temen deket gw yang udah lama banget nggak ketemu. Tadinya sih nggak mau woro-woro agar ku tak perlu banyak keluar rumah dan yaa gw nggak suka juga terlalu banyak keluar rumah. Panas banget hey, jalanan padat pula. Paling juga keluar karena gw pengen makan makanan yang gw nggak bisa dapet di Bali.  Tapi, ketemu temen-temen deket gw bener-bener hal yang bikin melek pikiran. Banyak banget perubahan mereka, menjadi pribadi yang lebih hebat dan gw terpesona dengan perkembangan mental mereka. Kita banyak cerita soal kehidupan dan lain sebagainya. Kesemuanya merupakan hal-hal yang pantas dibicarakan untuk dipetik pelajarannya. Hebatnya lagi, mereka nggak menggurui sama sekali. Bangga banget gw, beruntung karena lingkaran pertemanan gw yang seha...

Sharjah - UAE Gw suka banget belanja online. Ya karena praktis aja. Tentu saja gw juga suka banget belanja langsung on the spot  kalau lagi stress dan lagi ada waktu buat muter-muter. Tapi... ternyata gw jadi kesel tiap abis belanja online, gw harus berurusan dengan plastik-plastik bekas belanja.  "Dih plastik lagi." Emang, beberapa barang tentu saja perlu plastik/ bubble wrap  ekstra. Tapi banyak dari belanjaan gw yang nggak perlu itu semua. Tebel banget. Gw paham juga beberapa toko lebih milih dibungkus plastik tebel biar tokonya nggak dikomplain. Tapi bagi gw, udah kebangetan.  Gw tau kita nggak bisa sepenuhnya nggak pakai plastik. Kita masih akan pakai plastik. Konsekuensinya, ya kita harus tau sampah plastik ini harus diolah gimana biar nggak kebuang sia-sia. Mana nggak bisa terurai ratusan tahun lagi.  Masalahnya, plastik ini seringkali nggak bisa dipake lagi karena selotip yang muter. Susah lah di- breakdown lagi biar bisa dipakai ulang. Akhirnya, tentu s...

Never thought that I could feel this balanced. I now understand what zen is.  After all ups and downs that made me question my existential (probably won't be the last), I am starting to feel only love and less hate. As if love and compassion filling my heart every day. It's easy to annoy me normally, but so far, this past couple of months I feel less annoyed. So weird, crazy, yet amazing. Say, when I hear people talking about things I prefer not to talk about, like polygamy, I don't feel hate anymore. Usually, I'll say bad words, cursing them, you name it. But last night I watched a video about that and it made me feel "HA HA HA Stupid ignorant reasons" that was it. I thought I'll be emotional and angry, but I didn't. I even take pity for them. I know it's their right to do so, but the youngest wife wanted to go to college, and instead, she is married to that old guy who promised her to pay for her college. But that never happens (yet) even after 3...

Buku belajar Bahasa Indonesia dalam berbagai bahasa. I've become a teacher since semester 9. That being said, my teaching journey started in 2013. Took hiatus for 2 something years then I came back to these exam sheets, students, books, and social interactions. Didn't even want to become one but I fell in love right after I jumped in.  I guess I need to ask to apologize to my dad. I was mad at him a long time ago because he asked me to be one lol. Well, maybe I just didn't like the idea of being a teacher in a class where your students don't even care about you telling stuff in front of the class. That actually made me realize that I prefer to teach whoever wants to learn. Although sometimes I just need to teach without knowing what's their reasons to learn, and that is also fine. I do what I had to do. That is why I hate grading because I don't mind giving them a perfect score but what's the point if they know nothing after the course ended? I never teach a...

QRIS Janji Jiwa di DPS. Siapa yang udah sering pakai QRIS? Doi nongol udah lama banget. Kabarnya sih dari Feb 2020 trus pandemi yaaelah. Karena penasaran dan gatel gw nanya ke mbaknya, dia bilang "Tapi ada persennya lo mbak?" Oh paling juga ongkos antar bank. Gw tanyalah berapa, mbaknya bilang 2,5%. Kok kayak zakat ya jadinya! Ternyata, nggak kok. Beneran nggak. Kayaknya mbaknya yg belum paham betul ya. Ya maklum aja, di sini masih cinta duit cash meskipun 20 juta pun bayar cash. Heran gw. Pertama kali gw coba pake QRIS waktu beli obat. Vitamin C IPI itu lho kan murah tho, gw beli 4 waktu itu cuma 15ribu sekian. Trus ga bawa cash gw, sering ga ada cash. Mau debit juga minimal 50 ribu kan. Ga ada ovo. Trus ngeliat "Eh ada QRIS. Bisa ya mbak pake QRIS meskipun ga sampai 50 rb?" Mbaknya bilang bisa dong! Ya bahagia gw.  Sejak itu kemana-mana bayarnya gw selalu QRIS. Kalau bisa QRIS ya gw pake QRIS. Lagi-lagi karena penasaran, ternyata emang bisa bayar berapapun. Gw per...

Sei sapi yang kucintai Yes, it's my biggest flex this year.  Setelah vaksin pertama akhir Mei kemarin, akhirnya gw udah dapet suntikan kedua tanggal 21 Agustus 2021. Cantik kan tanggalnya?  Masih di RS yang sama, Surya Husadha, kali ini gw berangkat pagi. Yaa... 15 menit lebih pagi daripada vaksin pertama 😬 Karena gw ketiduran, seperti biasa. Hari itu hari sabtu, memang sengaja milih akhir pekan waktu vaksin pertama. Kita nggak tau efeknya bakalan gimana kan.  Vaksin pertama gw bisa bilang hampir ga ada efek apapun sih. Cuma ke UGD aja hari ketiga karena asam lambung naik banget. Setelah gw inget-inget, gw emang nggak banyak makan setelah vaksin malah gegoleran dan kata dokternya "Kalau abis vaksin tuh makan mbak yang banyak, protein yang banyak, jangan malah ga makan. Jadinya asam lambung naik kan?" Yasudah abis disuntik ranitidin, sejam juga gw udah mendingan.  Jadi gw bertekad "Ok setelah vaksin kedua, gw harus makan yang banyak!!!" Setelah gw datang di RS,...

Since I've found my missing piece, I've been feeling complete, whole, happiest. Everything. It feels like my soul is one now. It gives me feelings that I've never felt before. Before I could feel any of this, I had an emotional roller coaster for months, I had restless nights, I had days with anxiety, I felt numb, I cried every night, I went to a psychologist, I was constantly tired. It was not easy and it happened for a few months before I turned 30. I even felt like giving up. "So how? Will I keep going or give up now? Should I give up now? It feels a lot easier when I give up" I had those thoughts for so long.  But then I realize something, "No, I do not quit. I am a fighter!" So I didn't quit, no matter how shitty those days were, I decided not to quit. So I keep going. I started to exercise, I started to eat healthy, less sugar on my tea and coffee, I sleep early waking up early. I started to map my mind and emotions one by one, putting them in ...

Chrysant A few months ago I was in doubt about having kids. It disturbed me that much. That much. Should I have one or not at all? I was doubting, I doubted myself, I wasn't sure about the reasons why I want to have kids. Oh come on let's be realistic, world is getting worse isn't it? Education is not cheap. A lot of destruction going on. How can I be that selfish to let my kids growing up in the crumbling world we're live in?  I wasn't even sure if I could be a good mother for my kids.  I tried to look for the reasons why I shouldn't have kids. A lot of them are sensible reasons. Very sensible and logical. I turned myself from wanting kids right after I got married into someone who questions the idea of having kids. Oh let me be clear here, I don't oppose people who want to have kids. It's totally your right. As long as you're being responsible. I love kids so much, don't get me wrong. I love them and I am good with them (for a few hours before ...

Nggak berhenti ngakak ya ampun. Ini buku bener-bener sesederhana membuatku mengingat masa-masa kegelapan di jaman SD. Eh ternyata gw dulu jaman SD juga gitu ya ampun. Puluhan tahun berlalu ternyata kelakuan anak SD juga masih sama aja sekarang 😂 Bukti bahwa sejarah itu berulang. Jadi akhir-akhir ini gw menghindari segala macam yang agak berat. Terus ketika tau si pak guru satu ini rilis buku, gw sempetin beli lah jelas karena tulisannya nggak pernah bikin gw nggak ngakak. Meskipun gw belinya setelah sebulan lebih rilis. Di buku ini, yang paling bikin gw ngakak ada di bab perihal kutu 😂 Kenapa bisa creambath sekelas begitu sih 😂 Ini gw kenapa bisa ngakak banget karena dulu gw juga gitu. Nggak sekelas juga kek mereka sih, tapi lebih ke per grup gitu karena entah dari siapa, gimana ceritanya, kita sekelas kutuan semua ya ampun. Cepet amat kutu-kutu ini loncatnya. Gw nggak mau buka isi buku ini sih. Kalo penasaran ya beli aja lah sendiri. Tapi yang jelas buat gw, selama menyelesaikan b...

I always thought that wherever I go, August will be the hottest month of the year. Because it is summer for most people. August is my favourite but I always hated it for being the hottest month. But hey, if I move my ass to Australia, I'll be having August in winter!  I forgot that Australia is different. Although it is considered winter, the weather seems good between 15-22 degrees. It's the best temperature ever. August is my favourite month of the year.  Anyway, I am turning 30 today. A new milestone. I am feeling anxious lately. Some people said, "You're a young adult in your 20s but you became an adult when you turn 30" yea that definitely didn't help my anxiety.  When my mum was 30, I was already 10. So yes I had this in my mind, "30 is serious age, by that time I am probably married, have one of two toddlers." Everything was planned traditionally just like how I saw my mum. Graduate, job, married, having kids, living like a normal family. Turn...

Geneva ... tapi bukan di Indonesia 😂 Gatau deh ini akhir-akhir ini aku suka banget nontonin kanal orang di youtube yang tinggal di desa, bisa self sufficient banget, tenang, damai, slow. Trus nonton Gilmore Girls, Virgin River juga. Suka aja ngeliatnya. Emang bener kehidupan di desa memang terasa berjalan lebih lambat karena nggak ada yang ngejar-ngejar. Nggak macet dan nggak sebising kota. Sebenernya mau gw simple. Gw emang banyak maunya sih tapi ya kenapa emang? Siapa tau diaminin malaikat lho. Gw pengennya tinggal di tempat desa yang alamnya itu masih lebih banyak daripada manusianya. Tapi kalo bisa sih fasilitasnya udah lengkap termasuk fasilitas kesehatan ya, terlebih lagi soal internet! Internet cepet adalah koentji.  Sempet lho kepikiran, "Ah gw pengen tinggal di NZ. Jumlah kambingnya aja jauh lebih banyak dari jumlah manusianya." Atau tinggal di sana tapi yang masih bisa nemu kang bakso, lontong kupang, sate, cilok, cimol, lupis, getuk lindri lewat depan rumah gitu. ...

I am turning 30 soon. I was excited that "Woah! My 30's gonna be something! I am excited." But I also forgot that it means we're getting older. My parents, uncles, aunties, everyone I have in my life. I still see them like a child seeing her important adults in her life. I always thought that I am 5 and they're in their 30's. Not realising that they're entering their 50's. My uncle passed away this morning. I am feeling closer to uncles from my mom side than from my dad's. Even though we were closed when I was a kid and we became like a stranger lately, but I have my own place for him in my heart. I thought, I wouldn't cry. I was wrong. I sat down when I made breakfast this morning and I cried. It is breaking my heart. How could he left me like that? It's unfair for him.  I called my cousin after his funeral. First thing she said was “I dont have a father anymore” 😔 Breaks my heart even more. Not only him, my aunties and uncle from my fath...

Sanur Introverts are yearning for deep talks and always exhausted for small talks. Small talks can be fun, but only when it's not too much. Deep talk is always energizing. I didn't know back then. It was weird for me that I can't jump into society as smoothly as my friends. I can't do small talks with my neighbors. I tend to stay at home and enjoy my own battle in my mind. I felt that people think I am a quiet person.  When I start to have my own ideas, opinions, and such, I told myself that I am not someone who can't talk. I remember my English teacher gave us the task to find foreigners to have small conversations with. I didn't live in Bali so I can't just randomly bump into foreigners so we did it from the internet. I guess I am addicted to it because I found some great people to discuss with and we're still being friends today. Don't you worry, introverts make some friends too. Fellow introverts 😂 No, I mean, I have some extrovert friends and w...

Sanur As the firstborn, I am "automatically responsible" to my other siblings. That trained me so well on how to be a decision-maker. Because at any time, small things happening, I have to make the right and quick decision. That includes what I have to do with my life so that my siblings can see the good there. Would be better if they can do better than me.  Burdened by, "You have to be the best example for your siblings to follow". Well... I believe many of you feel that way.  I grew up studied mathematics in university. No, I don't really remember what did I learn that much. Perhaps only 50% of all classes I took. But one thing I know, this whole mathematics class for 9 semesters taught me how to simplify bigger problems, turn them into smaller ones, and make the right decision. At least, acceptable decision. I use my brain more than feelings when I make a decision. Although I know, a little bit touch of feeling is good too. I just, never make any decision whe...

Have you guys ever thought about this; being a grownup means you have to be responsible for (almost) everything, be tough, and many of us losing the joy in small things?  I read one of Jostein Gaarder books when I started my college year. That was because my roommate had a task to finish “Sophie’s World” for her philosophy class. She told me “read this book! Well... not Sophie’s World but this one first” She gave me Cecilia’s World. “This one is the thinnest one, give it a try!” Mindblown! One thing I remember that Cecilia (or her grandma) said “Adults forgot how to be a kid, how to find the joy in small things, they forgot that. They shouldn’t!” Why do I suddenly remember that? Because I was overjoyed last night knowing that my iPad sticking to my oven when I put it there. Of course, because it is magnetic. But now, I am sure that it won’t fall! That got me joyous for the rest of the night! Lol.  Silly? Yes. Adults would think that way. But you know what? That what makes us s...

Sanur Sejak tinggal di Bali gw ngerasa sehat mentalnya 🙈 Ada hal lain yang gw sadari. Gw jadi lebih sensitif ke alam. Seperti yang kita ketahui, persembahan orang Bali setiap harinya selalu tentang tuhan dan alam. Rasanya gw ikut melebur   di situ. Akibatnya gw jadi lebih sensitif.  Gw sadari sejak bulan pertama di Bali gw udah bisa ngerasain getaran gempa 3 kali dalam sebulan. Sehalus apapun itu gw bisa kerasa. Dulu di Jawa, kalo nggak gempa gede banget yang sampe pintu lemari buka tutup sendiri, gw nggak akan bisa ngerasain. Sumpah ya, sunset di Seminyak ini selalu keren Selain itu, gw jadi lebih sadar tiap bulan purnama datang. Ya karena orang Bali pasti pake kebaya lengkap buat sembahyang. Terutama jika bulan purnama yang terjadi bukan di hari kamis (orang Bali tiap kamis pake kebaya ke tempat kerja). Tiap bulan purnama, otomatis laut akan pasang. Pagi hari pasti ombaknya gede banget deh. Tapi siangnya, bisa dipake berendam enak karena airnya banyak banget. Jadi nggak per...

Mazmi - Dxb. Wanita memiliki hak untuk cuti menstruasi, yang sayangnya seringkali tidak diperhatikan oleh perusahaan atau si wanitanya tersebut sungkan untuk meminta cuti menstruasi atau sekedar dianggap nggak penting jadi dianggep nggak ada.  Temen gw dari SMA, sering banget waktu menstruasi bisa sampai pingsan. Dulunya gw nggak ada gangguan dengan efek samping menstruasi. Yahh paling juga pinggang rontok, perut kram, tapi masih bisa diatasi. Ntah kenapa makin berumur makin dalem aja efeknya menstruasi. Tapi ini jadi kegelisahan yang gw akan periksakan ke dokter sih. Kepala sakitnya banget, kramnya nggak ketulungan banget. Kalau udah bener-bener nggak tahan, gw minum obat sakit kepala trus tidur. Gw tentunya menyadari kalau rajin minum obat akan bikin ketergantungan. Gw bukan tipe orang yang gampangan minum obat. Sebisa mungkin gw tahan atau nggak minum obat, kecuali sakit gigi, maag dan sakit kepala waktu mens.  Nggak semua wanita memiliki level keluhan sakit yang sama ketik...

Gw demen banget makan atau cobain makanan baru. Sebenernya lebih ke lidah gw aja gampang nerima rasa baru dari makanan selain Indonesia. Tapi ketika jauh dari rumah, akhir-akhir ini gw sering tiba-tiba craving  makanan Indonesia. Kayak susah ditahannya aja. Apalagi waktu sebulan di sana, rasanya tiap hari pengen nangis gara-gara pengen makan sambel coba. Tempat yang kebetulan sering banget gw datengin ya Dubai. Di sana kita udah nemu satu restoran Indonesia yang rasanya Indonesia banget. Seleraku namanya. Kenapa gw bilang Indonesia banget? Cuko pempeknya nggak kalah dari Pempek Palembang asli. Bakso Malangnya, ehmmmmmm mantep! Makanan yang lainnya tentu saja nggak kalah rasanya.  Bakso Malang Kemarin, terakhir kali gw ke sana, kebetulan bareng dengan banyak orang Indonesia. Kayak mereka ngumpul-ngumpul bareng gitu. Ada yang ngerayain ulang tahun, ada yang ngerayain hal-hal kecil dalam hidup, ada yang sekedar melepas rindu kampung halaman untuk sekedar memuaskan lidah untuk mak...

Sanur Usia 17 tahun, lepas dari SMA dan masuk ke kampus, salah satu pesan papa yang gw paling inget adalah "Kamu kesana kuliah, bukan gabung-gabung grup-grup ekstrimis. Gausah ikutan kalo diajak. Ada banyak macem-macem grup teroris yang mengatasnamakan agama lho. Hati-hati, kalo bisa kuliah pulang aja, gausah berorganisasi" Well ... papa gw mendapatkan apa yang diminta karena sampe luluspun gw nggak berorganisasi 😂 Tapi, nggak mahasiswa kupu-kupu juga sih. Kuliah pulang-kuliah pulang. Tidak dong 😚 Wajar bagi orangtua gw buat khawatir karena anak pertamanya bakalan jauh dari rumah, nggak 24/7 diawasi. Tapi yaaa ada untungnya gw nggak relijius banget dulu. Hmm sekarang juga nggak sih 😅 Bukan urusan manusia juga bisa bilang "Gw relijius! Gw lebih relijius dari lu!" Meh ! Lalu apa yang gw lakukan selama kuliah di luar kegiatan perkuliahan? Gw belajar Bahasa Korea dan jadi KPopers 😂😂😂 Awalnya sih gw Super Junior banget, tapi setelah bertahun-tahun mulai bisa jadi r...

Pernah nggak tiba-tiba dikontak orang, ntah WA atau telpon tiba-tiba dari nomer yang nggak dikenal? Apalagi kalau yang tiba-tiba bilang "Lupa ya sama aku?"  Gw cenderung nggak ganti-ganti nomer hanya karena harga paketan A lebih murah daripada yang B. Nomor gw dari SMA sampai kuliah sama satu nomer. Lalu Indosat jadi super lemot akhirnya ganti ke Telkomsel sampai sekarang tetap nomer yang sama. Gw aja nggak bagi nomer WA gw waktu kerja di Surabaya karena gw males kalo tiba-tiba mereka hubungi di akhir pekan 😂 Gw cuma bagi ID BBM gw tapi BBM juga nggak pernah gw buka. Hanya beberapa orang di kantor yang tau nomer gw, hingga menjelang gw resign mereka bikin grup WA yang tidak bisa gw hindari 😅  Gw selalu membiasakan diri untuk nanya ke orang yang kontaknya dimintai dari gw. Kenapa? Ya basic manner lah. Selain itu juga gw ga suka kalau tiba-tiba orang kontak gw, apalagi waktu ditanya dapet kontak gw dari mana jawabnya "ADA DEH" Oh plis! I am not that young anymore fo...

Belum bisa dibilang sudah selesai sih, tapi menuju selesai. Tanggal 29 Mei gw memberanikan diri datang ke RS Surya Husadha Sanglah untuk vaksin covid pertama kali. Bukan karena gw nggak berani vaksin, bukan! Tapi gw berdoa semoga dapet jatah vaksin karena per hari kuotanya hanya 200 dosis. Gw vaksin pakai AstraZeneca dan tentunya gratis. Btw keinginan untuk vaksin ini makin gede karena temen-temen deket gw udah dapet vaksin di minggu gw dapet vaksin. Iya, gw kompetitif. Soalan vaksin aja gw kompetitif banget 😂 Jujur gw iri banget sama temen gw yang dapet vaksin duluan. Jadi yaa... 😎 Rencana gw berangkat jam setengah 8 gagal karena gw bangun jam 8 kurang seperempat 😓 Selesai mandi dll, pukul 8.15 gw berangkat ke RS. Nggak jauh RS nya cuma 8 menitan. Sesampainya di sana, kok di meja ada tulisan "Vaksin tutup" Harah mak deg . Ternyata itu cuma kertas pengumuman kalau kuota sudah terpenuhi. Ditanyain udah booking atau belum, lah gw ga nemu link booking dari kemarinan. Untungny...

Kuningan Nggak pernah tinggal di Jakarta, tapi Jakarta ini jadi kota yang gw nggak berharap banget buat datengin lagi dan lagi. Lucunya, dia jadi salah satu kota yang sering gw kunjungi demi satu hal penting entah dokumen, apapun itu.  Dulu waktu gw kecil, pertama kali diajak ke Jakarta sama mami papi (kakek nenek gw) naik bus malam. Seneng dong, wah akhirnya gw ke Jakarta! Ibukota! Sampai di Jakarta juga ya seneng-seneng aja tinggal di rumah saudara yang gede, makanan enak-enak, diajak jalan-jalan. Sekitar 2 mingguan gw di sana.  Rumahnya ada di Tebet Barat Dalam. Ah inget banget gw, rumah bangunan lama yang masih apik banget. Agak serem sih karena ya you know  rumah tipe-tipe Belanda gitu, ada juga foto yang menurut gw terlalu magis yang ditempatkan di tiap sudut ruangan termasuk kamar yang gw buat tidur. Agak susah tidur sih gw waktu itu.  Sebutek itu udaranya Tapi gw seneng karena bisa pamer ke temen-temen, "EH aku udah ke Jakarta lho!!!" Namanya juga anak SD guy...