A Home For My Thoughts

Never thought that I could feel this balanced. I now understand what zen is.  After all ups and downs that made me question my existential (probably won't be the last), I am starting to feel only love and less hate. As if love and compassion filling my heart every day. It's easy to annoy me normally, but so far, this past couple of months I feel less annoyed. So weird, crazy, yet amazing. Say, when I hear people talking about things I prefer not to talk about, like polygamy, I don't feel hate anymore. Usually, I'll say bad words, cursing them, you name it. But last night I watched a video about that and it made me feel "HA HA HA Stupid ignorant reasons" that was it. I thought I'll be emotional and angry, but I didn't. I even take pity for them. I know it's their right to do so, but the youngest wife wanted to go to college, and instead, she is married to that old guy who promised her to pay for her college. But that never happens (yet) even after 3

Buku belajar Bahasa Indonesia dalam berbagai bahasa. I've become a teacher since semester 9. That being said, my teaching journey started in 2013. Took hiatus for 2 something years then I came back to these exam sheets, students, books, and social interactions. Didn't even want to become one but I fell in love right after I jumped in.  I guess I need to ask to apologize to my dad. I was mad at him a long time ago because he asked me to be one lol. Well, maybe I just didn't like the idea of being a teacher in a class where your students don't even care about you telling stuff in front of the class. That actually made me realize that I prefer to teach whoever wants to learn. Although sometimes I just need to teach without knowing what's their reasons to learn, and that is also fine. I do what I had to do. That is why I hate grading because I don't mind giving them a perfect score but what's the point if they know nothing after the course ended? I never teach a

QRIS Janji Jiwa di DPS. Siapa yang udah sering pakai QRIS? Doi nongol udah lama banget. Kabarnya sih dari Feb 2020 trus pandemi yaaelah. Karena penasaran dan gatel gw nanya ke mbaknya, dia bilang "Tapi ada persennya lo mbak?" Oh paling juga ongkos antar bank. Gw tanyalah berapa, mbaknya bilang 2,5%. Kok kayak zakat ya jadinya! Ternyata, nggak kok. Beneran nggak. Kayaknya mbaknya yg belum paham betul ya. Ya maklum aja, di sini masih cinta duit cash meskipun 20 juta pun bayar cash. Heran gw. Pertama kali gw coba pake QRIS waktu beli obat. Vitamin C IPI itu lho kan murah tho, gw beli 4 waktu itu cuma 15ribu sekian. Trus ga bawa cash gw, sering ga ada cash. Mau debit juga minimal 50 ribu kan. Ga ada ovo. Trus ngeliat "Eh ada QRIS. Bisa ya mbak pake QRIS meskipun ga sampai 50 rb?" Mbaknya bilang bisa dong! Ya bahagia gw.  Sejak itu kemana-mana bayarnya gw selalu QRIS. Kalau bisa QRIS ya gw pake QRIS. Lagi-lagi karena penasaran, ternyata emang bisa bayar berapapun. Gw per

Sei sapi yang kucintai Yes, it's my biggest flex this year.  Setelah vaksin pertama akhir Mei kemarin, akhirnya gw udah dapet suntikan kedua tanggal 21 Agustus 2021. Cantik kan tanggalnya?  Masih di RS yang sama, Surya Husadha, kali ini gw berangkat pagi. Yaa... 15 menit lebih pagi daripada vaksin pertama 😬 Karena gw ketiduran, seperti biasa. Hari itu hari sabtu, memang sengaja milih akhir pekan waktu vaksin pertama. Kita nggak tau efeknya bakalan gimana kan.  Vaksin pertama gw bisa bilang hampir ga ada efek apapun sih. Cuma ke UGD aja hari ketiga karena asam lambung naik banget. Setelah gw inget-inget, gw emang nggak banyak makan setelah vaksin malah gegoleran dan kata dokternya "Kalau abis vaksin tuh makan mbak yang banyak, protein yang banyak, jangan malah ga makan. Jadinya asam lambung naik kan?" Yasudah abis disuntik ranitidin, sejam juga gw udah mendingan.  Jadi gw bertekad "Ok setelah vaksin kedua, gw harus makan yang banyak!!!" Setelah gw datang di RS,

Since I've found my missing piece, I've been feeling complete, whole, happiest. Everything. It feels like my soul is one now. It gives me feelings that I've never felt before. Before I could feel any of this, I had an emotional roller coaster for months, I had restless nights, I had days with anxiety, I felt numb, I cried every night, I went to a psychologist, I was constantly tired. It was not easy and it happened for a few months before I turned 30. I even felt like giving up. "So how? Will I keep going or giving up now? Should I give up now? It feels a lot easier when I give up" I had those thoughts for so long.  But then I realize something, "No, I do not quit. I am a fighter!" So I didn't quit, no matter how shitty those days were, I decided not to quit. So I keep going. I started to exercise, I started to eat healthy, less sugar on my tea and coffee, I sleep early waking up early. I started to map my mind and emotions one by one, putting them i

Chrysant A few months ago I was in doubt about having kids. It disturbed me that much. That much. Should I have one or not at all? I was doubting, I doubted myself, I wasn't sure about the reasons why I want to have kids. Oh come on let's be realistic, world is getting worse isn't it? Education is not cheap. A lot of destruction going on. How can I be that selfish to let my kids growing up in the crumbling world we're live in?  I wasn't even sure if I could be a good mother for my kids.  I tried to look for the reasons why I shouldn't have kids. A lot of them are sensible reasons. Very sensible and logical. I turned myself from wanting kids right after I got married into someone who questions the idea of having kids. Oh let me be clear here, I don't oppose people who want to have kids. It's totally your right. As long as you're being responsible. I love kids so much, don't get me wrong. I love them and I am good with them (for a few hours before

Nggak berhenti ngakak ya ampun. Ini buku bener-bener sesederhana membuatku mengingat masa-masa kegelapan di jaman SD. Eh ternyata gw dulu jaman SD juga gitu ya ampun. Puluhan tahun berlalu ternyata kelakuan anak SD juga masih sama aja sekarang 😂 Bukti bahwa sejarah itu berulang. Jadi akhir-akhir ini gw menghindari segala macam yang agak berat. Terus ketika tau si pak guru satu ini rilis buku, gw sempetin beli lah jelas karena tulisannya nggak pernah bikin gw nggak ngakak. Meskipun gw belinya setelah sebulan lebih rilis. Di buku ini, yang paling bikin gw ngakak ada di bab perihal kutu 😂 Kenapa bisa creambath sekelas begitu sih 😂 Ini gw kenapa bisa ngakak banget karena dulu gw juga gitu. Nggak sekelas juga kek mereka sih, tapi lebih ke per grup gitu karena entah dari siapa, gimana ceritanya, kita sekelas kutuan semua ya ampun. Cepet amat kutu-kutu ini loncatnya. Gw nggak mau buka isi buku ini sih. Kalo penasaran ya beli aja lah sendiri. Tapi yang jelas buat gw, selama menyelesaikan b

I always thought that wherever I go, August will be the hottest month of the year. Because it is summer for most people. August is my favourite but I always hated it for being the hottest month. But hey, if I move my ass to Australia, I'll be having August in winter!  I forgot that Australia is different. Although it is considered winter, the weather seems good between 15-22 degrees. It's the best temperature ever. August is my favourite month of the year.  Anyway, I am turning 30 today. A new milestone. I am feeling anxious lately. Some people said, "You're a young adult in your 20s but you became an adult when you turn 30" yea that definitely didn't help my anxiety.  When my mum was 30, I was already 10. So yes I had this in my mind, "30 is serious age, by that time I am probably married, have one of two toddlers." Everything was planned traditionally just like how I saw my mum. Graduate, job, married, having kids, living like a normal family. Turn

Geneva ... tapi bukan di Indonesia 😂 Gatau deh ini akhir-akhir ini aku suka banget nontonin kanal orang di youtube yang tinggal di desa, bisa self sufficient banget, tenang, damai, slow. Trus nonton Gilmore Girls, Virgin River juga. Suka aja ngeliatnya. Emang bener kehidupan di desa memang terasa berjalan lebih lambat karena nggak ada yang ngejar-ngejar. Nggak macet dan nggak sebising kota. Sebenernya mau gw simple. Gw emang banyak maunya sih tapi ya kenapa emang? Siapa tau diaminin malaikat lho. Gw pengennya tinggal di tempat desa yang alamnya itu masih lebih banyak daripada manusianya. Tapi kalo bisa sih fasilitasnya udah lengkap termasuk fasilitas kesehatan ya, terlebih lagi soal internet! Internet cepet adalah koentji.  Sempet lho kepikiran, "Ah gw pengen tinggal di NZ. Jumlah kambingnya aja jauh lebih banyak dari jumlah manusianya." Atau tinggal di sana tapi yang masih bisa nemu kang bakso, lontong kupang, sate, cilok, cimol, lupis, getuk lindri lewat depan rumah gitu.