A Home For My Thoughts

March '21. Me, during the lowest point of my life. Yes, I still smile and dead inside lol. 2021 is personally not an easy year. It's the year where I questioned my existence as a human being. I thought being a kind person was enough.  Obviously, I felt insecure when the closest person told me how I was not special, doing less than what I could. That triggered me and I started to ask myself "What am I doing on this earth? What's my purpose as a human? What am I going to do? What do I want to do? What do I want to become? What kind of future do I want? What am I?"  That person only became the trigger, yet the problems existed inside me. So I realized completely that it was about me, not someone else. There was something wrong with me. When I knew that the problem is me, I seek help. Lucky me (or should I say, unlucky me?), I didn't have those scary nights alone. My best friend went through the same, so we're kinda helping each other. Though the trigger was d

Jalan Veteran - UM Dua minggu gw di Jawa. Rencana awal hanya pulang karena sepupu menikah, tapi ternyata diperpanjang sampai 2 minggu gegara tiket penerbangan yang tiba-tiba 2,5 juta dan 7 juta lol.   Gw pakai kesempatan ini untuk ketemu temen-temen gw. Temen deket gw yang udah lama banget nggak ketemu. Tadinya sih nggak mau woro-woro agar ku tak perlu banyak keluar rumah dan yaa gw nggak suka juga terlalu banyak keluar rumah. Panas banget hey, jalanan padat pula. Paling juga keluar karena gw pengen makan makanan yang gw nggak bisa dapet di Bali.  Tapi, ketemu temen-temen deket gw bener-bener hal yang bikin melek pikiran. Banyak banget perubahan mereka, menjadi pribadi yang lebih hebat dan gw terpesona dengan perkembangan mental mereka. Kita banyak cerita soal kehidupan dan lain sebagainya. Kesemuanya merupakan hal-hal yang pantas dibicarakan untuk dipetik pelajarannya. Hebatnya lagi, mereka nggak menggurui sama sekali. Bangga banget gw, beruntung karena lingkaran pertemanan gw yang

Sharjah - UAE Gw suka banget belanja online. Ya karena praktis aja. Tentu saja gw juga suka banget belanja langsung on the spot  kalau lagi stress dan lagi ada waktu buat muter-muter. Tapi... ternyata gw jadi kesel tiap abis belanja online, gw harus berurusan dengan plastik-plastik bekas belanja.  "Dih plastik lagi." Emang, beberapa barang tentu saja perlu plastik/ bubble wrap  ekstra. Tapi banyak dari belanjaan gw yang nggak perlu itu semua. Tebel banget. Gw paham juga beberapa toko lebih milih dibungkus plastik tebel biar tokonya nggak dikomplain. Tapi bagi gw, udah kebangetan.  Gw tau kita nggak bisa sepenuhnya nggak pakai plastik. Kita masih akan pakai plastik. Konsekuensinya, ya kita harus tau sampah plastik ini harus diolah gimana biar nggak kebuang sia-sia. Mana nggak bisa terurai ratusan tahun lagi.  Masalahnya, plastik ini seringkali nggak bisa dipake lagi karena selotip yang muter. Susah lah di- breakdown lagi biar bisa dipakai ulang. Akhirnya, tentu saja dibuang pe

Never thought that I could feel this balanced. I now understand what zen is.  After all ups and downs that made me question my existential (probably won't be the last), I am starting to feel only love and less hate. As if love and compassion filling my heart every day. It's easy to annoy me normally, but so far, this past couple of months I feel less annoyed. So weird, crazy, yet amazing. Say, when I hear people talking about things I prefer not to talk about, like polygamy, I don't feel hate anymore. Usually, I'll say bad words, cursing them, you name it. But last night I watched a video about that and it made me feel "HA HA HA Stupid ignorant reasons" that was it. I thought I'll be emotional and angry, but I didn't. I even take pity for them. I know it's their right to do so, but the youngest wife wanted to go to college, and instead, she is married to that old guy who promised her to pay for her college. But that never happens (yet) even after 3

Buku belajar Bahasa Indonesia dalam berbagai bahasa. I've become a teacher since semester 9. That being said, my teaching journey started in 2013. Took hiatus for 2 something years then I came back to these exam sheets, students, books, and social interactions. Didn't even want to become one but I fell in love right after I jumped in.  I guess I need to ask to apologize to my dad. I was mad at him a long time ago because he asked me to be one lol. Well, maybe I just didn't like the idea of being a teacher in a class where your students don't even care about you telling stuff in front of the class. That actually made me realize that I prefer to teach whoever wants to learn. Although sometimes I just need to teach without knowing what's their reasons to learn, and that is also fine. I do what I had to do. That is why I hate grading because I don't mind giving them a perfect score but what's the point if they know nothing after the course ended? I never teach a

QRIS Janji Jiwa di DPS. Siapa yang udah sering pakai QRIS? Doi nongol udah lama banget. Kabarnya sih dari Feb 2020 trus pandemi yaaelah. Karena penasaran dan gatel gw nanya ke mbaknya, dia bilang "Tapi ada persennya lo mbak?" Oh paling juga ongkos antar bank. Gw tanyalah berapa, mbaknya bilang 2,5%. Kok kayak zakat ya jadinya! Ternyata, nggak kok. Beneran nggak. Kayaknya mbaknya yg belum paham betul ya. Ya maklum aja, di sini masih cinta duit cash meskipun 20 juta pun bayar cash. Heran gw. Pertama kali gw coba pake QRIS waktu beli obat. Vitamin C IPI itu lho kan murah tho, gw beli 4 waktu itu cuma 15ribu sekian. Trus ga bawa cash gw, sering ga ada cash. Mau debit juga minimal 50 ribu kan. Ga ada ovo. Trus ngeliat "Eh ada QRIS. Bisa ya mbak pake QRIS meskipun ga sampai 50 rb?" Mbaknya bilang bisa dong! Ya bahagia gw.  Sejak itu kemana-mana bayarnya gw selalu QRIS. Kalau bisa QRIS ya gw pake QRIS. Lagi-lagi karena penasaran, ternyata emang bisa bayar berapapun. Gw per

Sei sapi yang kucintai Yes, it's my biggest flex this year.  Setelah vaksin pertama akhir Mei kemarin, akhirnya gw udah dapet suntikan kedua tanggal 21 Agustus 2021. Cantik kan tanggalnya?  Masih di RS yang sama, Surya Husadha, kali ini gw berangkat pagi. Yaa... 15 menit lebih pagi daripada vaksin pertama 😬 Karena gw ketiduran, seperti biasa. Hari itu hari sabtu, memang sengaja milih akhir pekan waktu vaksin pertama. Kita nggak tau efeknya bakalan gimana kan.  Vaksin pertama gw bisa bilang hampir ga ada efek apapun sih. Cuma ke UGD aja hari ketiga karena asam lambung naik banget. Setelah gw inget-inget, gw emang nggak banyak makan setelah vaksin malah gegoleran dan kata dokternya "Kalau abis vaksin tuh makan mbak yang banyak, protein yang banyak, jangan malah ga makan. Jadinya asam lambung naik kan?" Yasudah abis disuntik ranitidin, sejam juga gw udah mendingan.  Jadi gw bertekad "Ok setelah vaksin kedua, gw harus makan yang banyak!!!" Setelah gw datang di RS,

Since I've found my missing piece, I've been feeling complete, whole, happiest. Everything. It feels like my soul is one now. It gives me feelings that I've never felt before. Before I could feel any of this, I had an emotional roller coaster for months, I had restless nights, I had days with anxiety, I felt numb, I cried every night, I went to a psychologist, I was constantly tired. It was not easy and it happened for a few months before I turned 30. I even felt like giving up. "So how? Will I keep going or give up now? Should I give up now? It feels a lot easier when I give up" I had those thoughts for so long.  But then I realize something, "No, I do not quit. I am a fighter!" So I didn't quit, no matter how shitty those days were, I decided not to quit. So I keep going. I started to exercise, I started to eat healthy, less sugar on my tea and coffee, I sleep early waking up early. I started to map my mind and emotions one by one, putting them in

Chrysant A few months ago I was in doubt about having kids. It disturbed me that much. That much. Should I have one or not at all? I was doubting, I doubted myself, I wasn't sure about the reasons why I want to have kids. Oh come on let's be realistic, world is getting worse isn't it? Education is not cheap. A lot of destruction going on. How can I be that selfish to let my kids growing up in the crumbling world we're live in?  I wasn't even sure if I could be a good mother for my kids.  I tried to look for the reasons why I shouldn't have kids. A lot of them are sensible reasons. Very sensible and logical. I turned myself from wanting kids right after I got married into someone who questions the idea of having kids. Oh let me be clear here, I don't oppose people who want to have kids. It's totally your right. As long as you're being responsible. I love kids so much, don't get me wrong. I love them and I am good with them (for a few hours before