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I Thought I Hate People, but...

Sanur ... but I actually don't! That I realized when I had dinner with H and he asked me, "Do you think she's married? The seller, she looks young but not too young."  So I said, "Uhmm I don't know and I don't care."  He then said again, "Yea I know, but I am curious about people. I am curious about what they're doing in life." That's when it came to my mind, "Wait a minute! I am also curious about people, but not their personal life like marital status, how many kids they have, what religion they believe in. I am curious about what they think about things! Ah that's why I love talking to people, no matter how introvert I am but talking to people still excites me." Then we finished our big nasi goreng together.  Looking back at it, I never really like people randomly talking to me when I was in the zone... Like zoning in and out talking to myself. But actually no, maybe it was only that we didn't sync so I went &qu

I Let Go Of Anger

Since I've found my missing piece, I've been feeling complete, whole, happiest. Everything. It feels like my soul is one now. It gives me feelings that I've never felt before. Before I could feel any of this, I had an emotional roller coaster for months, I had restless nights, I had days with anxiety, I felt numb, I cried every night, I went to a psychologist, I was constantly tired. It was not easy and it happened for a few months before I turned 30.

I even felt like giving up. "So how? Will I keep going or give up now? Should I give up now? It feels a lot easier when I give up" I had those thoughts for so long. 

But then I realize something, "No, I do not quit. I am a fighter!" So I didn't quit, no matter how shitty those days were, I decided not to quit. So I keep going. I started to exercise, I started to eat healthy, less sugar on my tea and coffee, I sleep early waking up early. I started to map my mind and emotions one by one, putting them in their boxes. 

Then out of the blue, that led me to meet my other soul. The soul that I knew is always there, waiting for me to say hi. I knew that I had something missing from my soul. Since I get to know my other soul, I get to learn more about myself. I understand myself more. I love myself more. It's like I am telling my soul "Hey, I love you" and it feels so liberating. It's not "I love you, but..." no, it's "I love you."

10 years old me.

All questions, feelings, instincts I have had for almost 30 years now all make sense. I got the answers.

The unconditional love to my soul, the moment when I realize that "I am so in love with you and you're doing great until today. 10 years old you would be so proud to see how great you are today" It feels great. I let go of things I could not control. Not everything is under my control.

The side effect of feeling those unconditional love to my soul is I am able to let go of anger. I am no longer mad, angry about things in the past. I do remember still about what happened, vividly. But those don't affect me the way they used to be. It doesn't trigger me anymore. I am at peace. The peace of mind that I wanted to feel for so long, is finally here. 

I am letting go of anger and that feels great. Nothing makes me happier the same way I love my own soul. I am feeling enough. My happiness is not depending on other people or other things, it depends on me. The way I accept myself, the way I don't hold grudge or anger, the way I am feeling enough, those feelings are beyond anything I could imagine.

I am content. The missing piece of my soul has been found. I love myself, more than anything now. I thank myself for surviving this far.

It's a spiritual journey that marks my 30's life. I am grateful and thank my closest people. They're always there to listen to my rant at 3 AM even though they didn't completely understand what I felt, they tried their best to comfort me, and I am lucky to have them. 

Thank you, universe for the good karma. I learn a lot. 

Comments

  1. biasanya emang menuju ke usia matang, dalam hal ini mba pris yang akan menuju kepala 3...dan fase fase usia lainnya selalu terjadi pergolakan batin sih ya...#aku sekarang kadang masih sih...wkwkkw...sering gelisah, ada kecemasan terhadap apa...mikirin ke depan akan gemana...dll

    tapi bener banget tuh akhiirnya melarikan dirinya ke hal hal yang bermanfaat...aku juga sama...yu mar ki toast...mari kita toast

    aku juga uda mulai konsen perawatan, katanya merawat diri sendiri akan bisa bangkitin mood dan self love hahay..ku juga mulai giat olah raga juga...tapi ga bisa lari kayak dulu sebelum rempong kayak sekarang jadinya kuganti pake senam sendiri di rumah hihi...zumba ngedance atau apa deh goyang dangdut juga wkkwkwk...maksudnya sambik dengerin musik ceritanya olahraga...ngurangi gula garem supaya badan dan kulit bagus itu juga uda mulai kuniatkan

    semangatttt saaaayyyy hehhehe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nguragin gula garam bisa bikin kulit bagus? WOW kubaru tahu! haha makin niat ini!

      betul mba, tiap fase hidup ada tantangannya masing-masing. tinggal kita ngolah dan ngadepinnya aja yg gimana. apakah kita akan menang atau kita akan belajar? ga ada yg namanya kalah sih.

      eh sama mbae, kadang aku jg cari di youtube yg goyang2 gitu. lumayan 10 menit aja udah keringetan banget. kalo butuh udara fresh baru keluar jalan keliling kompleks atau taman. enak sih pikiran jd lebih bersih juga kan ya, kek nggak sumpek gitu jadinya.

      yuk bisa yuk! mens sana in corpore sano!

      Delete

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I Thought I Hate People, but...

Sanur ... but I actually don't! That I realized when I had dinner with H and he asked me, "Do you think she's married? The seller, she looks young but not too young."  So I said, "Uhmm I don't know and I don't care."  He then said again, "Yea I know, but I am curious about people. I am curious about what they're doing in life." That's when it came to my mind, "Wait a minute! I am also curious about people, but not their personal life like marital status, how many kids they have, what religion they believe in. I am curious about what they think about things! Ah that's why I love talking to people, no matter how introvert I am but talking to people still excites me." Then we finished our big nasi goreng together.  Looking back at it, I never really like people randomly talking to me when I was in the zone... Like zoning in and out talking to myself. But actually no, maybe it was only that we didn't sync so I went &qu