Who would have thought that I experienced fire in the building. This is my first time living in an appartement. Of course I never chose appartement when living in Indonesia because it’s a real high risk when the earthquake happen. But here we are placed in an appartement. What got me relieved the first time that we are in the lowest floor so if something happen we will be quickly evacuated. That’s what I thought. Until it really happened. We slept around midnight and abruptly woken up by the noise outside. I thought it was the drunk people just got back from night club or the restaurant next door was doing some deep cleaning. So loud that I had to wake up. My husband peeked outside and immediately said “fire brigade outside, you wait here!” I was just “am I dreaming or what?” I put on clothes, checked outside and saw a few of fire trucks. I checked the other side of the appartement and saw a few of police cars and ambulances. “Oh no, something serious...
2021 is personally not an easy year. It's the year where I questioned my existence as a human being. I thought being a kind person was enough.
Obviously, I felt insecure when the closest person told me how I was not special, doing less than what I could. That triggered me and I started to ask myself "What am I doing on this earth? What's my purpose as a human? What am I going to do? What do I want to do? What do I want to become? What kind of future do I want? What am I?"
That person only became the trigger, yet the problems existed inside me. So I realized completely that it was about me, not someone else. There was something wrong with me. When I knew that the problem is me, I seek help. Lucky me (or should I say, unlucky me?), I didn't have those scary nights alone. My best friend went through the same, so we're kinda helping each other. Though the trigger was different we felt the same symptoms and side effects.
Yea I had those questions for a few months. Oh of course I have my other problems in life, but those are the ones I can solve (relatively) easily. But questioning my existence is a different thing. It was the first time I feel scared of myself, felt insecure. How was that even possible? Part of my confidence was gone. I felt like I was standing on one of my feet. My brain felt so foggy that I couldn't see the problems. What was gone? What did I miss? I felt that there's something missing in my life suddenly. I had a hole in my life.
That until I get to know my soul. The soul that guides me to find the answers. It was like a surprise. I never let anything, anyone steer my decisions. Surprisingly, I surrender to this other soul of mine and let it take over my life. It felt good for the first time after months in a crazy situation. It felt like I have a new set of fresh eyes to see the problems and help me get out of them. To be honest, those points of view are the ones I am afraid to do, yet part of my soul tells me to do that. It didn't feel intimidating, it feels rather encouraging.
One by one I learn to accept, let go, solve problems, prioritize, everything feels in order again after a long time. I started to feel like myself again, in a better version even. I let go of anger, I am accepting that everything happens for reasons so there's no need for me to overthink that (yet), I feel loved and showered with love, be able to shower other beings with love. That I am okay, I am doing great, and I am loved mostly by myself.
It may sound cliché but love is really powerful. I don't hate anymore. As someone who gets annoyed pretty easily, I don't feel annoyed anymore (not that easy). Becoming more sensitive about many things let me learn about empathy. Like I said, the overflowing of love I am feeling makes me able to love my partner more, be more conscious and mindful, get the jobs done, be creative, and so on.
Learning to accept things, trust the process more, loving more, surrender... they complete the missing piece. Do I sound like saying bullshit? Maybe, if you haven't felt that yet. Everyone's journey is different, and when you feel this way, remember to stay grounded and let your soul guides you. Think of it as being reborn to be a better version.
I am still learning and never stop learning. Evolving to be a better human is the best feeling. Moreover, being able to love yourself wholeheartedly is the key to tackling these dark nights. Sure, it's the goal so it's not an easy job to do. But it's not impossible.
Remember, when you're feeling this way, you're not crazy. You're just going through a life (periodically) test, so when you pass the test it will take you to a higher level in life. It's definitely not easy but worth the journey.
2021 is definitely not an easy year indeed, yet it's one of the best ever. I've found my soul, the soul that is hidden somewhere inside, that guides me, that will always be there for me, that will not judge me, that will always love me. Because that soul is me.
Happy new year, everyone. Let's evolve to be a better human being. 💙
Bali, 31 December 2021.
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