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I Thought I Hate People, but...

Sanur ... but I actually don't! That I realized when I had dinner with H and he asked me, "Do you think she's married? The seller, she looks young but not too young."  So I said, "Uhmm I don't know and I don't care."  He then said again, "Yea I know, but I am curious about people. I am curious about what they're doing in life." That's when it came to my mind, "Wait a minute! I am also curious about people, but not their personal life like marital status, how many kids they have, what religion they believe in. I am curious about what they think about things! Ah that's why I love talking to people, no matter how introvert I am but talking to people still excites me." Then we finished our big nasi goreng together.  Looking back at it, I never really like people randomly talking to me when I was in the zone... Like zoning in and out talking to myself. But actually no, maybe it was only that we didn't sync so I went &qu

Feeling Balanced

Never thought that I could feel this balanced. I now understand what zen is. 

After all ups and downs that made me question my existential (probably won't be the last), I am starting to feel only love and less hate. As if love and compassion filling my heart every day. It's easy to annoy me normally, but so far, this past couple of months I feel less annoyed. So weird, crazy, yet amazing.

Say, when I hear people talking about things I prefer not to talk about, like polygamy, I don't feel hate anymore. Usually, I'll say bad words, cursing them, you name it. But last night I watched a video about that and it made me feel "HA HA HA Stupid ignorant reasons" that was it. I thought I'll be emotional and angry, but I didn't. I even take pity for them. I know it's their right to do so, but the youngest wife wanted to go to college, and instead, she is married to that old guy who promised her to pay for her college. But that never happens (yet) even after 3 years of marriage. Poor girl has to take care of their kids. Anyway, not my business.

I even asked myself, "Why am I feeling okay for so long? Is this normal?" There are usually a lot of emotions going on in my life, shifting one to another in a few seconds. Well... some things still annoy me but the shield I have told me "This is your choice to choose whether you want to be angry, feel annoyed, anything. But those don't really matter actually." So I choose peace. 

"Nah, doesn't matter." There is no hidden feeling too. I became so honest to myself, about what I felt in a certain situation. The love flows harder than anger or hate. So love wins! 

This is what makes me feel more love for my husband. Like I have overflowing love, so I need to spread it to people or beings around me. I became more conscious, content, more sensitive to those around me. Well, being more sensitive is still a work in progress because it's new and hard, affecting my body and mind shifting. I still hate having headaches and mood swings that don't even come within me. 

I am ditching not-so-important stuff, putting my phone down which got me more time to read books. Btw, I read 7 books in less than 2 months. For me, that's a big number. I got my reading appetite back after years. Life feels more relaxed even though I have a lot of things to do or work on. Mentally state right now: relaxed and content. It's that peace of mind that everyone wants to feel.

How about you? Have you found your peace of mind yet?

Comments

  1. Keren sekali masih bisa baca buku.
    Rindu banget membaca tulisan di kertas, nih. Huhu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Akupun terkejut bisa habis 7 buku 2 bulan. Udah bertahun2 ngabisin satu buku satu tahun aja susah banget. Mungkin krn capek ngeliat layar hp/laptop kali ya? Akhirnya matanya memilih untuk istirahat dg baca tulisan di kertas.

      Delete
    2. PErnah nyoba buat baca ebook, tapi serasa mata cepat pegal.

      Delete
    3. Coba pakai kindle, cahayanya lebih deket ke buku kertas daripada layar.

      Delete

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I Thought I Hate People, but...

Sanur ... but I actually don't! That I realized when I had dinner with H and he asked me, "Do you think she's married? The seller, she looks young but not too young."  So I said, "Uhmm I don't know and I don't care."  He then said again, "Yea I know, but I am curious about people. I am curious about what they're doing in life." That's when it came to my mind, "Wait a minute! I am also curious about people, but not their personal life like marital status, how many kids they have, what religion they believe in. I am curious about what they think about things! Ah that's why I love talking to people, no matter how introvert I am but talking to people still excites me." Then we finished our big nasi goreng together.  Looking back at it, I never really like people randomly talking to me when I was in the zone... Like zoning in and out talking to myself. But actually no, maybe it was only that we didn't sync so I went &qu