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Tiga bulan pertama hidup di luar Indonesia

Gw kira rasanya akan sama aja. Ada rasa kangen ya wajar karena jauh dari tempat yang selama ini kita sebut familiar. Tapi ternyata ada rasa rindu yang pukulannya berbeda.  Di kasus gw, gw cuma kenal satu orang Indonesia. Beliau bilang kalau mau temen jalan-jalan bisa lah berkabar biar jalan bareng. Tapi karena gw ada kerja dari senin-jumat, sedangkan beliau nggak, jadinya waktu kami seringkali nggak pas. Sedangkan di akhir pekan, gw habiskan bersama suami.  Bulan pertama masih terasa integrasi. Berusaha mengenal supermarket mana yang jual apa. Cari ini itu di mana. Menghafal jalur transportasi umum. Mengenal, membaca dan memahami nama daerah atau tempat dari huruf cyrilic-nya untuk sekedar "kalau nyasar, bisa kasih tau suami lagi ada di mana" karena seringkali online maps dihambat pemerintah.  Bulan kedua sudah mulai mengenal banyak hal. Sudah punya kartu atm untuk pembayaran. Visa panjang juga sudah di tangan. Mulai berhati-hati dengan banyak hal, mana yang boleh mana ya...
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What is Home?

Is it a place? Or a feeling? 

Let's dive in. 

I told a friend of mine that I am feeling close to home since I live in Bali. I have never felt of feeling home anywhere. Every after 2 years of living in a city, I had the itch to move. I definitely never felt home in my parents place. It's their place, not mine. 

I did not know that until I left the town to study in another city. There was some sense of relieve that I was out of that town. Yea sure people thought it's weird. "It is your home, you were born there." Yes, that's the definition of having a house while growing up. I think. Not the sense of belonging. 

I dared to explore that feeling. 

I told myself, "Let's get out of this town and be free." I still visit my parents of course, but I never stay longer than a week. I don't belong there. 

Moving cities a few times, for work, school, and ended up living in Bali. I even told myself that I would never move to Bali for living, with several logical reasons. Well, only a year after that I became a resident here. Lesson learned, you never know what will happen. Expect the unexpected. 

But the glad feeling of leaving my town remain the same after almost 20 years. I took a chance to move to Bali, little did I know that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

Then like what usually happen, I waited until after two years. "Ah, maybe I wanna move city again after 2 years." I was wrong. That itch didn't exist. It was more like curious of moving city, not because I don't like living here. 

It wasn't easy to integrate with the way Balinese live here. As Javanese, some of things they're doing got me raising my eyebrows almost every time. But I learned on how to slow down. I learned how to relax. I learned how to focus on the presents. I learned how not to overthinking. I learned how to expect the unexpected as we drive then stuck in a traffic caused by ceremonies. I learned how to align myself with the universe. Yep that does sound heavy but when they have ceremonies during full moon and new moon, I am much more in the present to stop and admire the phase of the moon. (don't bother, it's because I love moon and the outer space very much). 

One of the thing that I love about living here is Nyepi, the silence day where we're not allowed to leave the house for a full day, with no lights on so at night I can see the ocean of stars on my backyard. It gives me the best feeling. A heart full of lights and love. 

I can feel that I become a better person, knowing myself way better than before. I can regulate the noise on my head better. I can calm my nerves easier than before. I am busy understanding myself, so I have no time to bother people. 

It does not make me feel better than anybody else, that's not my goal and I don't care about that. But for myself only. When I am a better person, I can love more, I can understand more, I can sympathize more, I have more empathy to my surrounding. 

I am mentally grounded. And I love myself for that. 

Of course I have lacking here and there, but knowing that I am mentally grounded has made my life easier. If I were the ocean with big waves crashing against the shore, now I am an ocean wave that crashes against the mangrove first before reaching the shore. That's how I describe my mental situation now. 

That friend of mine said, "Perhaps, home is just a place that connects to your deepest authentic being, your own sanctuary." That's how I realized why I am feeling home in Bali. 

For those who are still looking for home, it's probably already there, deep in your heart 😉

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