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Sepatu Winter Pertama

Moscow Dulu, masih sempet pakai sepatu dengan hak 5 cm waktu kerja kantoran. Ya karena harus keliatan formal aja sih, meskipun nggak ada yang ngelarang juga kalau mau sepatu sneakers pun. Toh juga waktu kerja sepatu dilepas dan pakai sendal jepit.  Tapi itu sudah lama sekali. Setelahnya, bertahun-tahun hanya punya 1 sepatu sneakers dan 1 sandal. Sendal jepit punya lah ya, kan hidup di Bali. Salah satu esensial itu. Sebenernya alesannya sederhana, bukan karena nggak mau punya sepatu lebih dari satu tapi lebih ke males harus nyocokin sepatu lagi ke kaki yang belum tentu enak dipakainya.  Sepatu itu adalah hal esensial yang buat gw nggak apa mahal yang penting nyaman. Karena taruhannya di pijakan, dan itu bisa berdampak ke banyak hal kalau salah pilih sepatu. Jalan kaki adalah bagian besar dari hidup gw, jadi punya sepatu nyaman adalah hal yang tidak bisa dinego.  Nah, meskipun gw beberapa kali pernah jalan-jalan saat musim dingin, Moskow ini agak beda. Kalau di Belanda, mes...
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The Story of Mother and Daughter(s)


I am grateful with my life. Doesn't really matter how annoying some parts of it, but I am content with the life that I am living. I had a lot of anger that I couldn't explain back then. I have been trying to untangle it one by one, and coming to a conclusion that I had become an emotional punching bag of my mother. My sister felt the impact even more. 

Now don't get me wrong, I was raised right by my parents. I become a person that is not criminal, not a junkie either, a fearless one I might say, ready to take whatever hard steps in front of her. I value things differently.

While, like any other Asian parents, societal approval is the most important thing. Happiness is a number XX, but showing off your wealth you have is a must. You know, like choosing the "safe" job like civil servant, married a fine guy, living together, having babies as soon as you get married, buy a house, buy a car (two if you can), the more the better. All of that. 

And here's what many other daughters feel, expectations from parents, especially from the mother. 

I keep asking myself what could have happened that make her behave that way. My sister and I talked about it and we come to a conclusion that living as our mother is hard. Our mother has a hard life. A life where she had to married young, where she was not allowed to work, where she's not brave enough to do things that society does not approve, where she needs to listen to what her husband said and does everything he said. No no, they don't have an abusive marriage. They're "happy" with their marriage, with different terms and values than mine of course. 

I guess this type of marriage is common for many people here.

But let's dive a bit deeper. Imagine you're a woman, married young, never allowed to work, or to have fun, everything must be done together as much as they can, never get time for herself, and hey 3 daughters, cooking and cleaning the whole house which we know that is not an easy job too. Then still have to manage the little money they have, for so many people in the house. I couldn't imagine how difficult that is. 

My mom always said that her happiness is when she sees my dad happy, her daughters happy. Never about her. Yes you might think "Oh what a selfless person she is" But for me, it is sad. It is sad that you don't have something that make you happy, for you. 

She gave up so much of her life for someone else. Maybe some of you will say that "Yea but you're not a parent yet, you don't know what it feels to be a parent." Well, to be a parent or not, the foundation of a happy relationship come from ourselves. There's a choice to be a happy parent, isn't there? When we are not happy, we can't expect other people to make us happy. It is not their job to make us happy, it is our job to make ourselves happy. And that's how it is hard for us, her daughters, because she places her expectations to us. The expectations that she couldn't do it herself, for her. My sister really took it hard way.

I know we have generational gap, which I can totally understand. But I think we would agree on being content ourselves first in every relationship. 

I am simply content with eating good food, reading and buying good books, watching series, spending time alone, stargazing, taking a long walk with my husband, sharing memes with him, calling my best friends for hours at a random time talking about random things, all of these small things every day add up my blissfulness daily. When my heart is full, I can do any other things, I can take care of my people and ready for them when they need me. 

I read this somewhere, "As a woman, I have sympathy for my mother. But as a daughter, I am angry."

She lives a hard life and basically losing her identity as a woman. Things that should be done from her for her, she never or barely does it. Her identity is her husband, her kids, her family. I am not against it but she's losing herself. She's low key unhappy and never realize that. And who realize that she is not happy? Her daughters. That make me sad for her.

I respect them as my parents. But that's also where I learn that I don't want to be like my mother, and I don't want a husband like my dad. And I hope when I have kids myself, I can be a happy mother for them.

I don't mind not being born if that means my mother can live as a free woman, a woman with dreams, and probably be with someone who can make her shine her lights brighter. Yes, I am fine with that. Isn't that the dream of us? Seeing other women happy and fly high spreading their wings in the sky?

Mothers, never lose your identity as a woman. Fellow daughters, I hear you. 💜 

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