In attempts to slow_myself_down_away_from_digital_life, I am getting my hands on film camera. Yes, the kind of camera where you need to put the film roll in and then start snapping. If you are lucky, the pictures will turn up good but if not then we let the fate decide. This is not my first rodeo on using film camera, but it definitely the first ever to buy the film and develop it using my own money. It is not cheap, which I know. What can I say, it's an expensive hobby. I used my first film roll to take photos of my favorite people. So it has more human than random pictures. It was on family event. After the last shot, I wanted to develop it before I flew to Bali but they had no lab. Luckily we have the lab in Bali. I developed and scanned the film in Ojisanfilmlab Bali. They're just a google away. They sell the roll as well. I had to tell the TSA to do the hand checking rather putting it through the scanner. They understood. Cimol hides himself in his favorite spot ...
Never thought that I could feel this balanced. I now understand what zen is.
After all ups and downs that made me question my existential (probably won't be the last), I am starting to feel only love and less hate. As if love and compassion filling my heart every day. It's easy to annoy me normally, but so far, this past couple of months I feel less annoyed. So weird, crazy, yet amazing.
Say, when I hear people talking about things I prefer not to talk about, like polygamy, I don't feel hate anymore. Usually, I'll say bad words, cursing them, you name it. But last night I watched a video about that and it made me feel "HA HA HA Stupid ignorant reasons" that was it. I thought I'll be emotional and angry, but I didn't. I even take pity for them. I know it's their right to do so, but the youngest wife wanted to go to college, and instead, she is married to that old guy who promised her to pay for her college. But that never happens (yet) even after 3 years of marriage. Poor girl has to take care of their kids. Anyway, not my business.
I even asked myself, "Why am I feeling okay for so long? Is this normal?" There are usually a lot of emotions going on in my life, shifting one to another in a few seconds. Well... some things still annoy me but the shield I have told me "This is your choice to choose whether you want to be angry, feel annoyed, anything. But those don't really matter actually." So I choose peace.
"Nah, doesn't matter." There is no hidden feeling too. I became so honest to myself, about what I felt in a certain situation. The love flows harder than anger or hate. So love wins!
This is what makes me feel more love for my husband. Like I have overflowing love, so I need to spread it to people or beings around me. I became more conscious, content, more sensitive to those around me. Well, being more sensitive is still a work in progress because it's new and hard, affecting my body and mind shifting. I still hate having headaches and mood swings that don't even come within me.
I am ditching not-so-important stuff, putting my phone down which got me more time to read books. Btw, I read 7 books in less than 2 months. For me, that's a big number. I got my reading appetite back after years. Life feels more relaxed even though I have a lot of things to do or work on. Mentally state right now: relaxed and content. It's that peace of mind that everyone wants to feel.
How about you? Have you found your peace of mind yet?
Keren sekali masih bisa baca buku.
ReplyDeleteRindu banget membaca tulisan di kertas, nih. Huhu
Akupun terkejut bisa habis 7 buku 2 bulan. Udah bertahun2 ngabisin satu buku satu tahun aja susah banget. Mungkin krn capek ngeliat layar hp/laptop kali ya? Akhirnya matanya memilih untuk istirahat dg baca tulisan di kertas.
DeletePErnah nyoba buat baca ebook, tapi serasa mata cepat pegal.
DeleteCoba pakai kindle, cahayanya lebih deket ke buku kertas daripada layar.
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